Sunday, April 20, 2014

Wow, Two Whole Weeks

I didn't realize it had been two weeks since I've written. I guess life has been busy.

Scumbags mom here for almost a full week, staying with me and my roommate until her belongings arrived at her new home. She couldn't sleep there without a bed or couch, and even when her things arrived she could not immediately find the boxes with sheets or pillows. She slept there for the first time last night. A new chapter in her life coinciding with the new chapter in mine.

I am officially divorced now. The judge signed the paperwork only 10 days after we did. We didn't have to go to court, didn't even know it had been signed until a few days later getting an email from the mediator letting us know.

How dramatic a wedding is, how undramatic our divorce.

Spent a nice evening with Jeckyll Friday night. We had dinner together and then came back to the house and put a fire in the chiminea and sat out there on the patio drinking beer. It felt like old times, and as we talked I remembered how gentle he always was with me. I remembered some of the things I loved about him, which hasn't happened in some time. My thoughts have been clouded by his selfishness in leaving me, my own anger making me paranoid, unable to feel like I could ever trust him again.

This time I got glimpses of the old Jeckyll I fell in love with. The one who respected me and cared about me. I don't know if seeing that side of him again was good or bad. It left me feeling warm and fuzzy, but still missing what we used to have.

He told me he only has one joke about our divorce, and it goes like this, "I got divorced recently, which as a comedian means I should get at least 15 minutes of material about it. But I'm so fond of my ex-wife I have nothing to say about it. So there is no joke". Or something to that effect. I'm sure he'll make it much more humorous than the way that reads.

He also told me (again) that being alone feels right to him right now. He said he feels incapable of being with another person. Right now in my life I pretty much feel the same way. I don't have anything good to offer anyone right now, I need to just focus on me. But he also said, "if I couldn't be with you I couldn't be with anyone".

I don't know why that made me so sad, but also made me feel good at the same time. I guess knowing he really tried for as long as he could before leaving? How many years of trying to fit himself into an uncomfortable role because he loved me? I can't really analyze it properly.

I just think I feel the same about him. Nobody else would have been able to put up with me for so many years, and I could not have loved anyone else for so long without becoming incredibly bored.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sunday Thoughts

I haven't been up this early on a weekend in quite some time. Depression, and sometimes hangovers, have been keeping me in bed for hours longer than necessary on the weekends.

Last night I went to bed early and this morning I'm up. I'm drinking coffee, and trying to decide what to do with my day. I'll go swimming, which is something that's been pushed to the side for weeks and week with the allergies. Well my allergies are done, no more excuses.

I have an entire Sunday ahead of me and I have no plans. I could do anything or nothing.

I'm getting used to not having to answer to anyone. It's nice. I've gotten used to sleeping through the night, not waiting to hear the front door late when Jeckyll would come in. I might wake up if the dog is snoring, but really, most of my sleeping problems in the past were due to my husband. If I'm not expecting anyone to climb in bed with me at some ungodly hour, then I just sleep right through for the most part. It took awhile for my body and mind to adjust, for weeks after he left I would still wake up expecting to hear footsteps on the stairs, the sound of the water running as he brushed his teeth. Little by little I had nights here and there I'd sleep right through the night. Now I do it most nights, and I have to say it makes a huge difference it my daily attitude. Being well rested is important to me.

I don't miss picking up after him. My roommate picks up after herself. She and I alternate taking out the trash and recycling and doing the dishes. Naturally, without comment or a schedule. If it needs to be done, it gets done.

Sometimes she's out for the evening and I have the house to myself. Sometimes I'm out and she has the house to herself. Sometimes we eat dinner together and watch TV. It's been a very nice arrangement for both of us. She likes living here, I like having someone around, but not too much in my space. And the rent money certainly helps quite a bit.

I have a feeling I'm going to be single for a long time. I can just tell. There's not much in me to give right now. I'm feeling selfish, and that's no way to try and be a partner, even if it's casual. I don't have to think about Jeckyll's problems anymore. I don't even have to spend any time with him if I don't want to. I've backed away completely from Scumbag's problems. I miss him and want him to visit, but really, I just want him to visit. I don't want him to stay. I still go to comedy from time to time, but it's just there if I want to. It's not a requirement to be supportive. I have friends there, acquaintances, people I enjoy but I don't care deeply about most of them.

My new friend, I think does not really want to be friends anymore, and I can accept that. He did not answer my last text, so that's an indicator of sorts. If you're busy you're busy, but at least reply that you're busy. It's called being polite. I don't know, and I shouldn't care. I didn't have enough to give that friendship either. Another person that was abused as a child, has intimacy issues, it's a good thing he isn't straight I would have been sucked right in. I apologized for my wrongdoing immediately and if he can't forgive such a small thing it's not a friendship I need. It would have been something else later. Probably something bigger and messier. I don't need another Scumbag, I don't need another Jeckyll.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess it's enough to say that this marriage is officially over, so this blog will have to end soon. I'm not married to a survivor anymore. In fact, I wasn't really married to a survivor. He hadn't survived yet, he's supposedly working on that now. So it's time for me to work on me alone, and that's the next chapter of my life. It should be interesting. I'll have to close this down and decide...do I want to start yet another new blog? With every chapter of my life, a new way of writing about it? I don't know yet.

Friday, April 4, 2014

What To Say?

What to say in all this. I feel fine. Not sure if I'm numb or if I managed to process all the bad stuff ahead of time.

I had such an ugly and sad three days last week when we got the drafts of the divorce decree, I was beside myself with sorrow. When we actually sat town and signed the papers
I wept a little, but not the flood of emotions I had felt prior.


We did it all in under 20 minutes, got out on the sidewalk, and I burst of course. Jeckyll standing there a few feet away from me not knowing what to do. The look on his face said, "do I comfort her in this situation? or is she going to punch me in the balls if I do that"?

I realized his awkwardness and his hesitation and went and put my head on his chest and he petted me and quietly said, "I'm sorry".

How many couples comfort each other after a divorce? I'm sure there are actually plenty, those just are not the situations you typically hear about.

I dried up my tears, we got in the car, I dropped him off, and I drove home. I ate dinner and went to bed early.

I'm fine.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

This Week

I have been resting this weekend, taking it easy on myself. Lolly-gagging, reading, napping, watched a movie. Whatever you want to call it I've been lazy on purpose.

This week will be weird. Tuesday is the day we sign all the papers. April Fools Day, of course. It just so happened that way. That was the day the Mediator could see us. How appropriate. Just like we got married on a Friday the 13th. Accident. The place we wanted to get married was booked on the 14th. So we threw caution to the wind, not superstitious at all.

I have plans with a friend on Monday night. Tuesday is not settled, part of me wanting to be alone, part of me wanting to call out to all my girlfriends for support, because I just don't know how I will feel. Wednesday tickets to a comedy show that Jeckyll is on, but also my dear roommate. Invited my new friend, who we have patched up our misunderstanding I believe, and maybe he'll join me or maybe he won't. Maybe I will stay home at the last minute.

I have no idea how this week will go. I've been very calm all weekend, very content for the most part. I've actually been sober this whole past week more than the entire year so far. Five days out of seven this week, sober. Weird.

So we proceed with this divorce/breakup/whatever. The end is coming closer with every day, although really...it ended months ago.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Movie Reels

We get closer to the final divorce stuff, the less I write. I don't want to write about how my day to day is just existing, and not living. I don't want to write about Scumbag and his problems because they are far away from me and I like it that way. I don't want to write about my new friend who I may have accidentally lost already due to a slip of the tongue. Time will tell if I am to be forgiven. This hurts, but at least it's before we got in deeper to the friendship. I can't afford to lose any more important people in my life, he was not important yet.

I can write about how the first draft of the divorce documents made me burst into tears at my desk at work, my co-worker came and hugged me while I sobbed. How the final draft had me crying at my dining room table for an hour straight last night, making my lap and the front of my shirt soggy with tears and snot. This was all sober, too. Not a drop of alcohol, just taking those fears and that pain and letting it come in waves again. It hurt the same as months and months ago. I thought I had gone and processed it all already, but this wound feels fresh. It's wide open and bleeding....again.

I've had a movie reel going in my head of all the happy times, and sad times, all mixed together in no particular order. This movie has been going on for the past 36 hours or so. I'd like to write some down, maybe it will end.

I remember Jeckyll at 25 with long brown curly hair looking at me in a darkened bedroom with hungry eyes, I was fresh out of the shower. I remember falling into bed with him and the electricity we had that night. I remember listening to his deep voice in the dark, telling me things. They were the most important things I'd ever heard in my life.

Then, I remember Jeckyll with graying long curly hair calling me a drunk, or telling me he was "half out of this marriage for the past ten years". Ugly words, never to be forgotten. Staying out all night doing comedy, or rather, doing comedy then staying out all night anyway.

Then, I'm back to us at 25 walking through a parking lot downtown, the first time we said I love you. I remember being around 34 and deciding to take a detour through a cemetery walking home one night at 2:00 am, just for fun. I remember painting the bedroom in our new house when we moved in, listening to the same Morcheeba album over and over again on the boom box. Dinners on the deck, then the patio after we tore the deck down, then we got a little fireplace. Our outdoor oasis.

I remember meeting him Friday night after Friday night at Kung-Fu classes for a couple years. I remember the day he told me he decided he wanted to start therapy (we were taking a walk), and also the day he decided to try anti-depressants. It helped, tremendously.

I remember going to concerts, many concerts. Going to LasVegas a few times. Going to Vancouver, BC. Going to the Coast for a day or a weekend. Going on a horrible cruise with my family that almost had us divorced a million years ago. I remember morning walks in the park before work, where we held hands and drank coffee and started our day together for 45 minutes before we faced the real world.

Going to fancy dinners. Getting married. The Honeymoon. Two years back in college to get a degree. Getting the dog as a puppy and how terrifying that was, the littlest pug in the world, just for us to love and take care of. Buying a new bed together for the first and only time. I remember getting very little to no help remodeling the kitchen. I remember him coming home and telling me he got fired, and I had to find a full-time job real quick. I'm still there.

I remember some real great hotel sex. I remember once crying after sex. I remember cuddling was kind of a tenuous thing. The bedroom was full of land-mines. Anniversaries here and there. Weekends of playing video games together, or just doing nothing, and then comedy. Sharing good books, and discussing them. Movies, discussing them. Music, trying to share, and only once in awhile agreeing they were great.

I remember being angry, frequently. I was not always kind. I was not always honest, I was not always forgiving. I pushed too hard, I got my way. I cried and pouted. I bullied and bribed, I pulled out the guilt card. I was not the best partner at all, so that brings me to me and my faults, harder to bear. Unable to go back in time and do it over again with compassion and love. I had demands and needs that could not be met, and I never took into consideration that they simply could not be met. I never considered that his needs were not being met either.

I remember good camping trips and really horrible camping trips. Good holidays with friends and bad holidays with family. Weddings, weddings, weddings. Some shitty, some very fun.

I remember driving him to the hospital so he could say goodbye to his Grandmother as she was passing. A private moment where I stood in the hallway to not intrude. 

I remember visiting my parents and calling him every day so he could talk me down off the ledge, the visit so raw and painful. He was my lifeline. He said he'd never let me go back there alone. Well, I haven't been back, and now I'll have to eventually go, alone. Not as I planned. I'll have to do it all alone, and deal with what's there.

I remember quitting drinking and how difficult that was, it's amazing I managed a year. I did therapy for the first time in my life. I think about how life would have been different if we hadn't tried so hard to stay together. Maybe we tried too hard, maybe we were supposed to give up sooner. Some say hindsight is 20/20 but my hindsight has not kicked in yet.

I could go on and on about my movie reel, what I just mentioned is but the tip of the iceberg of memories, both good and bad and nonsensical and meaningful. Things I have no idea why I remember, I just do. Things I'm sure I've forgotten will haunt him instead of me. If we compared memory notes, they would surely be different.

I have been crying, I am not crying right at this moment. I will be fine eventually, perhaps these are the last death throes of this relationship in my mind. I don't want to forget it all, but I need to be OK with remembering. I can't let all 18 years just slip away as if they didn't happen, but the pain of remembering right now is too much to bear. I don't know how to navigate it, so I'll blunder about in my head until something subsides.

I will hope I feel better tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Surely it will happen.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Surviving But Not Necessarily Living

This emotional stuff is taking a toll on me again, in a different way. Instead of crying all the time and feeling angry I've come to full acceptance. But that doesn't mean I've started living again.

I feel stuck between an old way of life, unable just yet to move in a true direction to a new way of life. Limbo, really. I feel like I'm in limbo and stuck there right now.

I've made one new friend, my new gay boyfriend, but that is not enough. I can't rely on him for constant entertainment, nor should I. We are still getting to know one another, we have different interests, but the same sense of humor. We agree it's been fun becoming friends. And that's really what it is, becoming friends. Not that instant soul-crushing bonding experience I've had with other people in my life. Where you stay up all night telling secrets until you feel like you'll never-ever not be friends with this person, the deal is done.

This is the adult approach. Do stuff, enjoy stuff, laugh, and then call it a night until the next time you hang out. Little by little the personality appears. The quirks and habits. The history. We haven't got into anything too serious yet but I think we'll get there someday. He's my practice for dating someday, when I may want to meet someone and take it slow. I've never taken it slow before, it was always urgent, fast and furious. Even with Scumbag or Blondie there was a spilling of guts really quickly that made the friendship sealed really fast. An intensity that is missing in this friendship, and I'm very OK with that. I don't need more intense friendships. I need calm.

Having dinner with Jeckyll tonight. Told him I wasn't doing very well and he offered a dinner date this week, threw out some days and tonight worked for me. I'm still never sure if hanging out with him is better or worse for me. It feels different every time.

later....
Had a lovely dinner with Jeckyll. It was short and sweet and the food was good. I think small doses of catching up are good for us. It's spending too much time with him, too many days in a row, that throws me off kilter.

We had to talk about my mom. We talked about Scumbag and his recent problems that are sufficiently huge that it's not something that anyone can laugh away. Too many different stories I refuse to believe any one of them. Each one is possibly a lie. I can't care that much anymore. If he manages to come back "home" I'll ask him for the truth, I'm sure he'll give me my own special version of the truth, what he wants me to hear. I understand the secrets, he's all secrets.

We talked about a few other things but whatever. It was nice to get out of the house and now I'm going to watch TV and burn incense because the house smells musty. Haven't been able to open a window in months. Soon, Spring soon.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Writing On Little Sleep

Went to bed early last night and somehow slept through the phone call at 11:43 pm, but woke up to the text message at 11:46 pm.

Scumbags "fiancee" needing his mothers phone number. Emergency.

So I send her the number and I text Jenna and tell her Birdy-girl is trying to get a hold of her. And I lie in bed and wait. And wonder, and worry.

An hour later I get the text from Jenna, Scumbag is in the hospital, again. Apparently a fight with the person they have been living with. Someone has a black eye, maybe a broken hand, and a stab wound. There was an ambulance. The police might get involved. And where will they live now?

Who knows what the hell is going on down there in Texas? A lot of drinking it seems and I suspect drugs now, too. Who gets stabbed in a fight with a roommate? Really? It's all too much for me and between the two of those kids none of us adults will probably ever get the real story. However now Jenna faces real hospital bills and more stress with her son and I feel for her. She's buying and selling a house right now, planning a huge move, she doesn't need him acting out and being an asshole. He needs to grow the fuck up, and I think all this acting out is really him just terrified of having to grow up.

I removed myself from my worry over him and fell back asleep around 3:00 am. Had to convince myself yet again I cannot help him, especially so far away. He is not my responsibility at all and if he needs to move back up here he can stay with me for exactly one week and no longer. Just him, not the girl too. I can't have both of them it's too much. It seems maybe she's not the best for him anyway, he has only gone downhill while being with her, steadily downhill.

My home life now is so calm now, I love it. I'm not lonely because the roommate is here. But she is also not intrusive and we get along great. I go to work, I hang out with friends, Jeckyll and I are doing what we need to do to further the divorce process. This is my life right now. As stress free as I can make it.

I've made friends with my "gay guy" who I accidentally asked out. We have gone out twice and are getting to know one another. I realized he's one of the first friends I've made "on my own" in a long time. I hope we continue to hang out, he's a fascinating person and I enjoy his company. I need to find a guy just like him, except straight. Meantime I practice my social skills on him and we laugh a lot.

I do miss Scumbag and want him to come home and do treatment. It seems he needs it more now than ever. But he has to be in his mothers care, not mine. I just don't have it in me anymore. I'm tired of trying to be strong for others, time to be strong for myself instead.