Wednesday, July 23, 2014

What to Say Today?

I keep thinking I'm going to shut down this blog. I started transferring it to book form and the editing is so boring and tedious I'd rather tackle that in the Fall and Winter when it's raining and gross and there's nothing else to do.

Instead right now I am spending lots of time getting together with friends. Planning dates with friends I haven't seen in awhile. Adult life gets so busy, it's hard to see the people who have different schedules, the people who have kids, the people who work nights.

I have completed two new paintings in the past couple weeks and that feels amazing. It's kept me up later than I should on a work night, but the results are worth it to me.

As far as moving on with my feelings towards the divorce...I think I'm doing pretty well. As long as I stay busy and keep plotting and planning and doing things, I'm good. It's when I'm still and silent and quiet that feelings creep up on me.

I have accepted now that we are different people and I don't want to go back to our life together. The sadness comes more with the starting over and feeling like I don't know yet how to proceed. I am back to being very single, and I'm in no hurry to start a new relationship, though it still feels lonely to not have a special person to share things with. 

It would be nice to find someone to spend time with and maybe get kissed or more. It's the "more" that scares the crap out of me. Being with the same person for so many years, even with our ups and downs and my occasional dissatisfaction, I'm not feeling ready to open myself up physically to another person in that way. It opens cans of worms, it opens up the possibility of rejection and hurt.

My attitude towards sex has changed so much. When I was very young I could go to bed with a guy at the drop of a hat. I simply can't do that anymore and it's an important thing to know about myself. Back then I didn't care about my body or how I felt afterwards. Now I'm truly invested in my own emotions and want to have a sense of dignity and pride in who I am as a person. I want to continue to respect myself.

So I'll fumble along and see what happens next. I guess that's supposed to be the exciting part? What happens next?

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Lesson Learned

During this time of limited contact with Jeckyll I was starting to feel much stronger and more confident. I wasn't thinking so much about what's been lost, but truly starting to look more towards my own future and feeling a sense of peace about where my life is right now.

Then I decided to invite Jeckyll over for dinner, as a birthday gift. I didn't have an inkling of anything to buy him, so I made a gift of my cooking skills and my time. We passed the evening chatting about pretty unimportant things and I tried not to read between the lines in any way. I thought it was fine. I thought, OK, maybe now we can be friends.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling lost again. Sadder than ever. I'm mourning the past. Not the man he is now. I think if I just met him tomorrow for the first time I probably would not fall in love with him again. I'm not even sure if I would be interested in meeting him. I honestly don't know. I could be wrong but I think now it's all just about our long history together and my memories of being so in love. 

I miss what used to be. I miss the stability of a partner with me. I miss laughing with him. I miss the way he used to look at me and wiggle his eyebrows. I miss getting a hug and a pat on the butt as I walked to the bathroom naked in the morning. I miss cuddling. I miss his lips, and his voice in my ear. I miss sharing things with him. Mostly I miss the everyday jokes. And seeing him onstage telling jokes is not the same as a spontaneous thought that would make us both hysterical on a Sunday morning.

As I lay in bed yesterday feeling sorry for myself yet again, I needed the reminder. My friends were worried this would happen, but I had to chance it. When I told them I was having him over for dinner they were concerned for me, "as long as you don't cry for two days afterwards". I hate that I've lost my best friend, but I'm afraid that for now I just still can't do it. I can't spend any quality time with him without a million triggers happening. A million questions still, mostly "Why? Why did you leave me? I still don't understand why you had to abandon what we had. Was I so awful? Couldn't you trust me?"

But I know why. It wasn't necessarily working anymore. Neither of us was particularly happy. We had love for each other but we were going in different directions and it was a struggle, sometimes a battle. I was pretty miserable the last few years of our marriage, but I was too stubborn to give up. I kept thinking it would get better. I was willing to ride it out, because I took vows, and I meant them.

I guess I sort of wish he had left sooner. Maybe this would have been easier if we had split up 10 years ago. I would be 34 instead of 44. We would have had 8 years instead of 18. Would that be easier to move on from? I had a vested interest in our relationship. I was in it for the long haul. Now I'm lost. I didn't expect to be here like this at this age. I'm trying to handle it with as much grace and dignity as I can muster.

So I got out of my bed yesterday morning, my pity party in full swing. I had plans with friends and I had to see them through. A play in the park on a sunny day was exactly what I needed to remind myself that I am not alone. I don't have to feel lonely. There are other things out there besides him and me and our busted up marriage. I sat there in the shade with three of my girlfriends and ate snacks and watched "Much Adoe About Nothing" by William Shakespeare and had a few moments when I wanted to cry.

Cry out of sadness but also cry out of relief. I've mostly made it through all this. I get out of bed and I put my clothes on and I interact with the world around me and if I pretend to be OK for long enough eventually I become OK.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Heat Wave

Trying to figure out what to do with my evening. We are in a bit of a heat wave, but I actually like it.

I could meet a friend at a comedy show that starts early but Jeckyll is on it and I'm still trying to kind of avoid seeing him too much. I invited him for dinner for his birthday this weekend and figure we'll catch up then. It's been maybe 4 weeks since we've had a real conversation. I think it will be fine but no point in wandering to a comedy show just because I have nothing better to do.

Oh, but I do have something better to do. I could paint for a bit. Perhaps that's the direction I'll go tonight.

Stranger things have happened.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Ah, Some Joy

There's the joy of having a decent day where I don't feel like a piece of discarded crap.

There's the joy of going to therapy and instead of being a puddle of tears for the entire session only crying a tiny bit at the end.

There's the joy of bringing my dog to an outdoor patio bar for the first time, since I always assumed he would cause trouble and be a pain in the butt. Find out, he just makes friends and everyone wants to come pet him and love him and nice people tell me how awesome he is. Cute guys want to pet him and talk to me. That's a win.

There's the joy of listening to my friend who got divorced right around the time I did tell me all about her new boyfriend. Who is the opposite in personality of her ex-husband. She's over the moon, and of course it's going too fast (for me) but she's ready where I'm not. So I can only be happy for her. Well, she's terrified too. But the way she puts it, "even if it doesn't work out, I've been through worse shit".

There's the joy of Scumbag three days sober, just popping up out of nowhere to hang out tonight. He hates being sober but he's feeling things again. He is comfortable talking with me about it. Frankly I've missed him. He has a new lady friend who is taking up much of his time. Much of his sobriety is for her, and she's on board 100%. She's not a stripper and she's not bi-polar, and she's not a drinker or a drug user. Seems like she could lead him down a better path for now, maybe for good? Who am I to know.

I've always loved him sober better. That's why I always pushed coffee dates instead of drinking dates.

And on that, the simple joy of listening to a 23 year old man talk about his new relationship in terms of, "we've been together almost a month". Like that's an accomplishment. It makes me giggle inside. Youth and all those trappings where an entire month of your life with someone has meaning. You're invested after a month. You are in love.

He made her a bouquet of flowers and packed a picnic to go to the river. Adorable. He said he's never done anything that nice for anyone ever, and I completely believe him. He's smitten enough to quit drinking. Wow, and wow.

So I had a pretty good day and evening. Counting simple joys these days. It's what I can do.

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Summer Plans/ Summer Demons

Well I finally got a "summons" from the queen mother. "Are you going to come visit anytime soon"?

It's not really a question, it's a demand. I know.

So I hemmed and hawed about money, because to be quite honest there are too many house projects and not enough dollars and I don't really want to go visit.

So my parents, are paying, for my flight home. Like I'm an actual adult woman of 44. I cannot, and won't, pay for that flight. Because I just don't want to go. I don't even want to spend my vacation time at work going there, but it's happening.

It will be short and sweet, only 5 days on the ground with them. I'm already planning side trips because as much as my mother thinks she wants me there the whole time I know from past experience she does not want me there the whole time. She thinks she wants to spend every minute with me and then when actually I'm there I'm an intrusion. I know this. I wish she could face reality but as my therapist has warned me, "you can't change her".

She thinks she misses me, but she misses me as a child. Not a grown woman with ideals that don't coincide with her own.

No, I can't change her. But I can go to NYC for a day and a night and see people I really like and escape and have fun.

Isn't it sad? I don't have a family. I have one, but I don't like them. Then Jeckyll was my family. Then that's gone. And Scumbag was kinda family, but he's off and on and too up in the air to be trustworthy as "family". He's not my adopted son anymore. He's grown up and out of that, and I'm actually relieved. He does not need me anymore, amen.

When my marriage went south, I not only lost my best friend, I lost my only connection to the weird thing we call family.

Family is not in my personal dictionary anymore.

It's unsettling. I'm un-moored. I have friendships but even those are tenuous. I don't know which friends I even like anymore. People I thought I loved piss me off, easily. They offer advice that makes no sense to me because they have no empathy. They have no idea what I've been going through. It has not happened to them, they cannot grasp the pain and grief of ending a love that lasted 18 years. They think I should just get out there and date and have sex with people. No. I should not. I cannot. I thought I could at first, and now I'm so glad I got rejected because I would feel dirty. It would not be a pleasant memory. I am shut down from relationships, even just flirting. Not doing it. I am closed off from that part of my heart/body/brain. No!

I sleep alone and I hate it. But I wouldn't want anyone else there either. I hated sleeping alone while Jeckyll was out all night, so where does that leave me? Still alone, but not anticipating anyone arriving. I'm still not sure which is worse. I don't sleep, it doesn't matter. I just don't sleep. I'm not waiting for him to show up, I just don't sleep anymore. It's a curse.

It's like a death. Would you tell a widow to just go out and get cracking on a new guy ASAP? No, nobody would do that. They treat my relationship with Jeckyll as if it was nothing. Done and done. Like we dated for a year or two. No. It was almost half my fucking lifetime. Certainly almost all of my adult life. Treat me like a fucking widow, it would make more sense to me.

How dare they belittle my grieving! How dare they belittle the time we put into our relationship. How dare anyone think I can just move on without a care, without a thought, without dragging all that pain with me? Without taking all my doubts about myself with me? Without fear of being hurt again so soon? Without freaking the fuck out? Without all my baggage that he knew about, and was OK with, and tossing it upon someone else? Really? Is anyone ready for that? I'm not ready to lay my soul at anyone else's feet. I'm not ready to spread my legs either. I'm not ready, so let me grieve. And let me still talk about it instead of rolling your eyes. My feelings change day to day, and some days are still very bad. Let me grieve at my pace!

Not only have I lost myself in this divorce, and yes, I'm struggling to find myself again, bits and pieces, in time. But I have lost some friends that I did not expect to lose, because they are just stupid. I've also gained some new friends, so maybe it's even. I don't know yet.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

So So So Tired

I'm so tired all the time, it's becoming absurd.

I've never slept that well. But I think I remember a time in my life when I was able to sleep at least 6 or 7 hours at a stretch. Years now, years, I have not slept for that long without waking up unless I was so drunk I was literally passed out. I think even then, I would probably be up at some point to stumble around to the bathroom and go pee.

I'm tired of it. Tired of being tired. Then my therapist telling me for months that the grieving I've been doing, the mental strain, that makes you tired. That alone can be exhausting under the most normal circumstances.

Then work. Started a new job this year. New stress, brain work at work. More tired.

I guess it's no wonder why I have almost fallen asleep during meetings, or just sitting at my desk. Why some nights I come home from work and fall asleep on the couch at 7:00 pm. Why coffee has become an even better friend and why I can spend a Saturday in bed until noon just dozing in and out, unable to get out of bed.

I used to blame Jeckyll for my sleeplessness. And no, the snoring didn't help. But he's been gone awhile now, and I still don't sleep. Not longer than two or three hours at a stretch, ever.

So today, I've tried acupuncture. It was only one session so far but I explained it this way: If I can sleep I'll have more energy. If I have more energy I can exercise more. If I exercise more I will feel better and less depressed. If I'm less depressed I will take better care of myself. It's a chicken and an egg and another chicken and another egg.

I'll go to bed soon and see what happens. Right now I'm very tired. I always feel like I'll just sleep right through I'm so tired. I never do. I wake up thinking, "it must be about 6:00 am" and it's always about midnight, or three, or five.

Fingers crossed something starts to work.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

More Finality.

I feel like my last post was way too angry. I was getting emotional, and I'm so sick of feeling like shit and crying at every turn I resort to anger because it's easier.

Came home from work last night and there it was, the official divorce decree, signed and stamped by the court. Delightful. It's not like we weren't already officially divorced but I wish it had arrived a different day, perhaps Monday instead. Not really what I want to open and glance at in my kitchen on a Friday afternoon. Just a few more tears rolling down my face, yet again. Do tears prevent wrinkles? I certainly hope so.

Part of what has me so out of whack is my limited contact with Jeckyll. Self imposed, but my therapist warned me it would feel like withdrawal. She was correct. It's only been a couple of weeks and I miss him as if he was dead. I know he's just a keystroke away or a text away, but I cannot let myself do it right now. I have to get him out from under my skin somehow, this has been going on too long.

Another annoyance is social situations. There was a birthday party last night I should have been at, but I figured he would be there too and I was unable to wrap my head around going there and being OK. So I didn't go, I went to bed instead.

Probably for the better, I'm up early today and there's all kinds of things I can do with my day. But still. There's a show I want to go to tonight that Scumbag is on and lo and behold Jeckyll is on it too. Annoying. I'll just have to put on my big girl panties and deal with my emotions.