Instead right now I am spending lots of time getting together with friends. Planning dates with friends I haven't seen in awhile. Adult life gets so busy, it's hard to see the people who have different schedules, the people who have kids, the people who work nights.
I have completed two new paintings in the past couple weeks and that feels amazing. It's kept me up later than I should on a work night, but the results are worth it to me.
As far as moving on with my feelings towards the divorce...I think I'm doing pretty well. As long as I stay busy and keep plotting and planning and doing things, I'm good. It's when I'm still and silent and quiet that feelings creep up on me.
I have accepted now that we are different people and I don't want to go back to our life together. The sadness comes more with the starting over and feeling like I don't know yet how to proceed. I am back to being very single, and I'm in no hurry to start a new relationship, though it still feels lonely to not have a special person to share things with.
It would be nice to find someone to spend time with and maybe get kissed or more. It's the "more" that scares the crap out of me. Being with the same person for so many years, even with our ups and downs and my occasional dissatisfaction, I'm not feeling ready to open myself up physically to another person in that way. It opens cans of worms, it opens up the possibility of rejection and hurt.
My attitude towards sex has changed so much. When I was very young I could go to bed with a guy at the drop of a hat. I simply can't do that anymore and it's an important thing to know about myself. Back then I didn't care about my body or how I felt afterwards. Now I'm truly invested in my own emotions and want to have a sense of dignity and pride in who I am as a person. I want to continue to respect myself.
So I'll fumble along and see what happens next. I guess that's supposed to be the exciting part? What happens next?