Friday, August 29, 2014

Going Slow?

I've never dated someone in this fashion before, going slow.

We had our second date over a week ago and our third date is tonight.

To be fair we probably would have seen each other sooner except for both of us being busy most of the time. I was busy all weekend, he had late work nights this week, so suddenly it's 9 days later before we connect again.

I think it's just what I need. Something casual where I'm not pressured into forming a bond with someone too quickly or too intensely. I like him, but I'm not going all head-over-heels and that's just fine. It's too hard for me to trust anyone yet anyway. It would take a long time for him to gain my trust, only because that's how I am now. No fault of his.

If I met a man now who pressured me into getting together every day or even every other day I would run screaming for the hills. I wouldn't be ready for the intensity of falling in love. That's not to say I couldn't fall in love with this guy eventually, the potential is there, but I'm not trying and neither is he.

I think he's treading lightly anyway, because he knows about my recent history. He's asked about the divorce, but politely has not asked why we divorced. I'm not even sure I have an easy answer to that question if it comes up. The easiest thing to say would be that we became incompatible, but that doesn't really cover it.

I guess I don't know where this is going. I'm looking forward to my date tonight and all that entails. It's enough to just go a day at a time.

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

No Therapy

It's been very weird these past few weeks with my therapist on a month long vacation.

It's like I really truly get to make my own decisions without checking in with anyone. A-ny-one.

Life is still messy with loose strings here and there I'm supposed to be attending to. I started a house project that is going to (of course) take five times longer than expected, but it's not keeping me up at night worrying over it. I'll get to it.

I'm supposed to be working on the details of my last will and testament, and there it sits at my desk, half done. But I'm gonna do it eventually. Halfway there.

Things feel good right now. I'm so busy with friends, and it's not just the comedy stuff which I've once again ratcheted down. Just dinners with friends, and now apparently I'm dating again.

First date went great, have a second one coming. I don't know if this is a rebound for me but if it is, so be it. He's very nice, a total gentleman, and I enjoy his company. That's all
I need to know right now. Can't make it any more than it is. Just someone I have fun with and we're attracted to each other at this moment. He may turn out to be an asshole, or he could turn out to be the nice person he portrays himself to be.


I still need to shut down this blog. Coming soon. Fall will be it, when I am cooped up and have time to edit it to book form.

Soon.


Saturday, August 16, 2014

Moving On

The anniversaries are over and I'm no worse off than I was before. In fact Tuesday was the bad one, feeling sad at work. I stayed home that night and went to bed early. Got a random text message around 9:00pm from a man I met two weeks ago, asking me out on a date. Somehow that made Wednesday quite a bit easier.

I met him through a mutual friend and a group of us had spent the evening together drinking beer and talking up a storm. As the evening wore on he said a few things that were making me attracted to him. He's close to my age, he likes to cook (as a hobby), loves dogs (loved Otto), he's employed, and he's NOT a comedian but he does have a sense of humor.

I kept thinking I should ask for his number and I kept chickening out, the whole evening. When we were all saying our goodbyes he gave me a hug saying, "it was nice to meet you". That hug stuck with me, then he was out the door and gone.

So I asked our mutual friend to give him my phone number. She said she would, but sometimes she's a flake. Then I just didn't give it another thought.

Two weeks later, we're going out tonight. I know I already had a first date after the divorce but that felt like a blind date. It was uncomfortable and awkward. This feels more like a real date because we've already met and spent some time together.

I'm not nervous yet. I'm excited. It's just opening another chapter in my life. I don't want to fall in love again, not yet. I'm definitely going to be wary and probably mistrustful. But I have to try not to stay that way forever, or I'll never connect with anyone again.

So perhaps we'll have a fun evening. Perhaps we'll hit it off. Perhaps I'll get a goodnight kiss. We'll see.

Monday, August 11, 2014

The Anniversaries

19 years ago tomorrow Jeckyll and I met. Just kids, not much older than Scumbag is right now. We met, we fell in love, we became inseparable. On Wednesday it would have been our 15 year wedding anniversary.

One year ago we had been talking separation and divorce, and then Jeckyll decided he would stay. That was short lived. Only to rescind his decision about a month later.

Yesterday I was sad. A creeping sadness. Knowing I just have to get through this week.

I put in a long day at work today and thankfully only found myself crying in the bathroom once.

I bought myself flowers at the grocery store. Bought a new purse on "super sale".

I'm going to get together with a friend tonight and hang out on a bar patio and bring the dog so he can flirt with people when I am bad at it. He does the work for me.

I'm going to make it through tomorrow and Wednesday hopefully without too many meltdowns. Try to keep the memories at bay.

I don't want to do it anymore, the mourning. It inches away week by week oh so slowly. I look forward to a day where I don't give it any thought, where it has no power anymore.

I look forward to a day where my inner dialogue doesn't tell me I'll be alone forever, that I'm unlovable, and that I have nothing or no one to really care about, so why bother?

I look forward to a night where I can sleep longer than 2-3 hours at a time.

I used to be somewhat happy. I'd like that back too.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

August 2014

Yes another painting. I did four in a week and sold one to a friend online. Feels pretty good actually.

I have been good, except still struggling with sleep issues. I have to wonder sometimes if the stress of a new job combined with the divorce this past year didn't just send me into some kind of PTSD that only affects my ability to sleep. It's as if while I'm trying to sleep I'm still hyper vigilant, never fully asleep, never fully at rest, ready for anything. I take three or four two-hour naps all night. That's my sleep. I am always tired.

Acupuncture seems to be minimally helping. It's too soon to tell.

I've applied to join a charity group that seems interesting. I'm a probationary member for 30 days. I'll meet a bunch of the women involved in about a week. I have to remind myself it isn't just if they like me and I'm a good fit, it's will I like them and am I a good fit. Goes both ways. Maybe I'll make wonderful new friends, that's what I hope. That's the goal, to get out and about and do something different, meet new people. I'll be way far out of my comfort zone, but that's how change happens.

How do I feel about life right now? Passive. I'm floating along with work and friends and no goal except to have the ground under my feet stay still for awhile.

Am I doing things? Half-assed. Like normal. I am generally half-assed about most things, unless it is a big project. There are projects I could start right now but without the money there's no point, yet. In the works. Save, save, save as much as I can. This house that was left to me is almost more than I can handle. I should feel grateful, but on the way to work this morning I was thinking it's just a house now, not a home. Not anymore. Not right now. A home is where you live with family, with loved ones. I have no family anymore. Just friends and acquaintances. So I live in this house that meant so much to me before, just to find out now it's a means to an end and there's less joy in the upkeep. I have a very nice house with a roof and a bed and many, many bills. It's better than no roof and no bed. It doesn't always feel like home. Home is in the past.

I could rent it, and live someplace smaller with a tiny yard. I only need two bedrooms. One to sleep and one to paint. I only need one bathroom. I don't need a giant kitchen to cook for just me. The dog wouldn't care and there's no more cats. I could actually live with a mini refrigerator, I like grocery shopping day to day. I don't need all this stuff, I hardly use any of it anymore. It sits gathering dust. Jeckyll should have taken more bookshelves. He should have taken dishes and cookware and glasses and tables and bric-a-brac. He should have taken towels and sheets and blankets. He should have gotten half of this crap. Half the forks and knives.

He didn't even take any wedding pictures, or vacation pictures. Nothing. He left this house and our life together like it was something he never wanted to remember. I'm stuck trying to decide if that cute little vase we bought in Jamaica on our honeymoon is worth sitting on the mantle. Every time I see it I remember where it's from. I want to pack it away, and all the other reminders, because. But the house would be bare without it all. Empty shelves and empty walls. It would look like I was packing to move. My memories are all over this place.

Life is different single. Even with a roommate. We don't eat at the table. We don't use the dining room. I rarely watch TV and I don't play video games. Nobody really comes over to hang out except on the patio and we don't have parties. Half my basement is filled with other people's belongings because I'm nice and I offer storage to folks who need it, for free.

Maybe in winter that will feel different. We do spend most of our down time outside right now. When cooped up we may appreciate the dining room, the television, the extra space indoors so we don't step all over each other.

I think I'll give it some time, procrastinate, then decide. Maybe I need to get out of this house with all the memories, and start over and make a home by myself, for my future. 

These are the things I think about now. I'm not waiting for him to come back, he's not coming back. This is reality. He's not coming back, and I'm very very very slowly moving forward.






Wednesday, July 23, 2014

What to Say Today?

I keep thinking I'm going to shut down this blog. I started transferring it to book form and the editing is so boring and tedious I'd rather tackle that in the Fall and Winter when it's raining and gross and there's nothing else to do.

Instead right now I am spending lots of time getting together with friends. Planning dates with friends I haven't seen in awhile. Adult life gets so busy, it's hard to see the people who have different schedules, the people who have kids, the people who work nights.

I have completed two new paintings in the past couple weeks and that feels amazing. It's kept me up later than I should on a work night, but the results are worth it to me.

As far as moving on with my feelings towards the divorce...I think I'm doing pretty well. As long as I stay busy and keep plotting and planning and doing things, I'm good. It's when I'm still and silent and quiet that feelings creep up on me.

I have accepted now that we are different people and I don't want to go back to our life together. The sadness comes more with the starting over and feeling like I don't know yet how to proceed. I am back to being very single, and I'm in no hurry to start a new relationship, though it still feels lonely to not have a special person to share things with. 

It would be nice to find someone to spend time with and maybe get kissed or more. It's the "more" that scares the crap out of me. Being with the same person for so many years, even with our ups and downs and my occasional dissatisfaction, I'm not feeling ready to open myself up physically to another person in that way. It opens cans of worms, it opens up the possibility of rejection and hurt.

My attitude towards sex has changed so much. When I was very young I could go to bed with a guy at the drop of a hat. I simply can't do that anymore and it's an important thing to know about myself. Back then I didn't care about my body or how I felt afterwards. Now I'm truly invested in my own emotions and want to have a sense of dignity and pride in who I am as a person. I want to continue to respect myself.

So I'll fumble along and see what happens next. I guess that's supposed to be the exciting part? What happens next?





Sunday, July 20, 2014

Lesson Learned

During this time of limited contact with Jeckyll I was starting to feel much stronger and more confident. I wasn't thinking so much about what's been lost, but truly starting to look more towards my own future and feeling a sense of peace about where my life is right now.

Then I decided to invite Jeckyll over for dinner, as a birthday gift. I didn't have an inkling of anything to buy him, so I made a gift of my cooking skills and my time. We passed the evening chatting about pretty unimportant things and I tried not to read between the lines in any way. I thought it was fine. I thought, OK, maybe now we can be friends.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling lost again. Sadder than ever. I'm mourning the past. Not the man he is now. I think if I just met him tomorrow for the first time I probably would not fall in love with him again. I'm not even sure if I would be interested in meeting him. I honestly don't know. I could be wrong but I think now it's all just about our long history together and my memories of being so in love. 

I miss what used to be. I miss the stability of a partner with me. I miss laughing with him. I miss the way he used to look at me and wiggle his eyebrows. I miss getting a hug and a pat on the butt as I walked to the bathroom naked in the morning. I miss cuddling. I miss his lips, and his voice in my ear. I miss sharing things with him. Mostly I miss the everyday jokes. And seeing him onstage telling jokes is not the same as a spontaneous thought that would make us both hysterical on a Sunday morning.

As I lay in bed yesterday feeling sorry for myself yet again, I needed the reminder. My friends were worried this would happen, but I had to chance it. When I told them I was having him over for dinner they were concerned for me, "as long as you don't cry for two days afterwards". I hate that I've lost my best friend, but I'm afraid that for now I just still can't do it. I can't spend any quality time with him without a million triggers happening. A million questions still, mostly "Why? Why did you leave me? I still don't understand why you had to abandon what we had. Was I so awful? Couldn't you trust me?"

But I know why. It wasn't necessarily working anymore. Neither of us was particularly happy. We had love for each other but we were going in different directions and it was a struggle, sometimes a battle. I was pretty miserable the last few years of our marriage, but I was too stubborn to give up. I kept thinking it would get better. I was willing to ride it out, because I took vows, and I meant them.

I guess I sort of wish he had left sooner. Maybe this would have been easier if we had split up 10 years ago. I would be 34 instead of 44. We would have had 8 years instead of 18. Would that be easier to move on from? I had a vested interest in our relationship. I was in it for the long haul. Now I'm lost. I didn't expect to be here like this at this age. I'm trying to handle it with as much grace and dignity as I can muster.

So I got out of my bed yesterday morning, my pity party in full swing. I had plans with friends and I had to see them through. A play in the park on a sunny day was exactly what I needed to remind myself that I am not alone. I don't have to feel lonely. There are other things out there besides him and me and our busted up marriage. I sat there in the shade with three of my girlfriends and ate snacks and watched "Much Adoe About Nothing" by William Shakespeare and had a few moments when I wanted to cry.

Cry out of sadness but also cry out of relief. I've mostly made it through all this. I get out of bed and I put my clothes on and I interact with the world around me and if I pretend to be OK for long enough eventually I become OK.