I didn't realize it had been two weeks since I've written. I guess life has been busy.
Scumbags mom here for almost a full week, staying with me and my roommate until her belongings arrived at her new home. She couldn't sleep there without a bed or couch, and even when her things arrived she could not immediately find the boxes with sheets or pillows. She slept there for the first time last night. A new chapter in her life coinciding with the new chapter in mine.
I am officially divorced now. The judge signed the paperwork only 10 days after we did. We didn't have to go to court, didn't even know it had been signed until a few days later getting an email from the mediator letting us know.
How dramatic a wedding is, how undramatic our divorce.
Spent a nice evening with Jeckyll Friday night. We had dinner together and then came back to the house and put a fire in the chiminea and sat out there on the patio drinking beer. It felt like old times, and as we talked I remembered how gentle he always was with me. I remembered some of the things I loved about him, which hasn't happened in some time. My thoughts have been clouded by his selfishness in leaving me, my own anger making me paranoid, unable to feel like I could ever trust him again.
This time I got glimpses of the old Jeckyll I fell in love with. The one who respected me and cared about me. I don't know if seeing that side of him again was good or bad. It left me feeling warm and fuzzy, but still missing what we used to have.
He told me he only has one joke about our divorce, and it goes like this, "I got divorced recently, which as a comedian means I should get at least 15 minutes of material about it. But I'm so fond of my ex-wife I have nothing to say about it. So there is no joke". Or something to that effect. I'm sure he'll make it much more humorous than the way that reads.
He also told me (again) that being alone feels right to him right now. He said he feels incapable of being with another person. Right now in my life I pretty much feel the same way. I don't have anything good to offer anyone right now, I need to just focus on me. But he also said, "if I couldn't be with you I couldn't be with anyone".
I don't know why that made me so sad, but also made me feel good at the same time. I guess knowing he really tried for as long as he could before leaving? How many years of trying to fit himself into an uncomfortable role because he loved me? I can't really analyze it properly.
I just think I feel the same about him. Nobody else would have been able to put up with me for so many years, and I could not have loved anyone else for so long without becoming incredibly bored.