Sunday, April 6, 2014

Sunday Thoughts

I haven't been up this early on a weekend in quite some time. Depression, and sometimes hangovers, have been keeping me in bed for hours longer than necessary on the weekends.

Last night I went to bed early and this morning I'm up. I'm drinking coffee, and trying to decide what to do with my day. I'll go swimming, which is something that's been pushed to the side for weeks and week with the allergies. Well my allergies are done, no more excuses.

I have an entire Sunday ahead of me and I have no plans. I could do anything or nothing.

I'm getting used to not having to answer to anyone. It's nice. I've gotten used to sleeping through the night, not waiting to hear the front door late when Jeckyll would come in. I might wake up if the dog is snoring, but really, most of my sleeping problems in the past were due to my husband. If I'm not expecting anyone to climb in bed with me at some ungodly hour, then I just sleep right through for the most part. It took awhile for my body and mind to adjust, for weeks after he left I would still wake up expecting to hear footsteps on the stairs, the sound of the water running as he brushed his teeth. Little by little I had nights here and there I'd sleep right through the night. Now I do it most nights, and I have to say it makes a huge difference it my daily attitude. Being well rested is important to me.

I don't miss picking up after him. My roommate picks up after herself. She and I alternate taking out the trash and recycling and doing the dishes. Naturally, without comment or a schedule. If it needs to be done, it gets done.

Sometimes she's out for the evening and I have the house to myself. Sometimes I'm out and she has the house to herself. Sometimes we eat dinner together and watch TV. It's been a very nice arrangement for both of us. She likes living here, I like having someone around, but not too much in my space. And the rent money certainly helps quite a bit.

I have a feeling I'm going to be single for a long time. I can just tell. There's not much in me to give right now. I'm feeling selfish, and that's no way to try and be a partner, even if it's casual. I don't have to think about Jeckyll's problems anymore. I don't even have to spend any time with him if I don't want to. I've backed away completely from Scumbag's problems. I miss him and want him to visit, but really, I just want him to visit. I don't want him to stay. I still go to comedy from time to time, but it's just there if I want to. It's not a requirement to be supportive. I have friends there, acquaintances, people I enjoy but I don't care deeply about most of them.

My new friend, I think does not really want to be friends anymore, and I can accept that. He did not answer my last text, so that's an indicator of sorts. If you're busy you're busy, but at least reply that you're busy. It's called being polite. I don't know, and I shouldn't care. I didn't have enough to give that friendship either. Another person that was abused as a child, has intimacy issues, it's a good thing he isn't straight I would have been sucked right in. I apologized for my wrongdoing immediately and if he can't forgive such a small thing it's not a friendship I need. It would have been something else later. Probably something bigger and messier. I don't need another Scumbag, I don't need another Jeckyll.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess it's enough to say that this marriage is officially over, so this blog will have to end soon. I'm not married to a survivor anymore. In fact, I wasn't really married to a survivor. He hadn't survived yet, he's supposedly working on that now. So it's time for me to work on me alone, and that's the next chapter of my life. It should be interesting. I'll have to close this down and I want to start yet another new blog? With every chapter of my life, a new way of writing about it? I don't know yet.

1 comment:

  1. It's time for the next chapter. Glad that you are taking care of yourself and realizing that you have limits with people. I know that you will be okay.