Monday, April 28, 2014

Backsliding

I'm supposed to be enjoying a four day weekend, and it started just fine, then yesterday I had a complete meltdown and cried in the shower for twenty minutes. Cried some more out of the shower. Cried quite a bit last night while watching the basketball playoff game. The little voice in my head saying, "I miss him. I miss him so much". Over and over.

Crying off and on again today. Puttering around the house, and it's gorgeous outside, and I'm cleaning and doing chores and normally a day I would thoroughly enjoy. Thoroughly enjoy if the love of my life were walking in the door towards the end of the day. Enjoy if we had plans together tonight.

I didn't want to walk this life alone. I have nobody to confide my fears to at night. When I have a bad dream I have nobody to comfort me at 3:00 am. When something good happens, I'm not sure who I want to tell first anymore. Nobody touches me with affection.

I sometimes suspect too that I will never really get over this. I will never trust myself, and I will never trust another person the same way. My heart has been shattered in so many ways it's amazing some days that I can get up in the morning, that I can speak to other people, that I can socialize, or exercise. That I can concentrate on work is a minor miracle, or perhaps work has been the miracle that has kept me grounded and busy enough in my head. The thing that makes is so I don't meltdown every single day.

So today I'm putting away my winter clothes and getting out my summer clothes, and I come across one of Jeckylls old sweatshirts. I don't know how it got left behind, he was pretty thorough with his things when he left. I put it to my face hoping it would smell like him, but nothing ever really smelled like him. He never wore cologne or aftershave. It had no smell, nothing to relate to. But I cried and cried anyway, for the lack of having anything to hold on to. I cried for the emptiness of it.

The worst part is I don't want to bother my friends with this anymore. It's gone on long enough. Not too many people understand it at all. They figure he and I are amicable, we're still trying to stay friends, so what's the problem? I got the dog, I got the house and the car. I got everything. Why so sad, Kitty?

I lost my best friend, I lost my lover, I lost the person I trusted most in the whole entire world. I lost my safety, I lost future hopes and dreams with him. And the worst part is now all the happy memories of the past cause me pain as well. I can't read old journal entries of how good things were after marriage counseling. Not without remembering him accusing me of getting everything my way, and he made all the concessions. So marriage counseling and those "good" years afterwards were but a lie.

Actually, all 18 years, a lie. Or maybe just most of it. That hurts too. The realization that he was so miserably unhappy with me all that time. Miserably unhappy in general. Work was the biggest trigger. But lo and behold, he's gone from this house and the responsibilities of marriage and he's still working. I honestly thought he would quit his job immediately, but apparently that was not really it. It was me, and the marriage. And his mental health issues. And Comedy.

I wanted to just have a fun and relaxing four day weekend, but my brain had other plans for me. I can't stop crying.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sorry that it has been a hard time. Having a long-term relationship takes a lot of work. It might seem that the 18 year marriage was a lie. But I hope that the good moments will come to the fore front in your mind. That's what I dwell on now, instead of the horrible times.

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  2. I'm so sorry, Kitty. I have had similar feelings. I remember missing Jermaine so much I started with a huge sob in the middle of the produce section and continued to as I made my way through the store. It came on suddenly and heavily. I know what it is like to feel like you can't really bring it to your friends anymore. Especially after you feel that it has gone on and on, or, for me, when it was the same thing- over and over. At times I just shut down, but I wouldn't recommend that. I think blogging helped me at times, but I don't know. Even then I felt like I was saying the same thing again. I know I offer repeatedly, but you can email me if you want to vent. If you email me, I will even give you my cell number so you can text me if ever you want. I don't want you to feel alone, because I am here and I care (and I know there are others, too).

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