The house is calm again. Scumbags mom left yesterday. He was out all day and popped home to change, then was out the door again for the evening. I spent my day and evening on the couch reading a book and contemplating my future. I also allowed myself some melancholy.
Jeckyll and I met on Sunday. He pretty much summed it up by telling me he's 99% sure we won't ever get back together. It makes me sad, because our separation has only been three weeks, but if he's that sure after only three weeks I'm guessing he was sure before he even left and all this pretending we'd just "have some time apart and work on ourselves" was all for nothing. I'm pretty sure he was sure way back in July and was just going through the motions with me in marriage counseling. He was done long ago and there was no coming back around. It's OK. If it took that long to work up the nerve and be sure, I'm not angry. Time for me to be honest with myself.
I cannot, and will not hold out, hope for any 1%. That would be absurd. He's correct that we've become different people, grown apart, and we don't want the same things in life right now. I cannot live his lifestyle and he does not want to live mine. There would be too many concessions, neither of us want to make them.
I think I'm processing well. Talking with old dear friends on the phone. They tell me I sound great, that I'm doing fine. I think I am, but I am good at pretending I'm fine, good at squashing it all down until it percolates back up.
I just had to admit that I miss him, but what I miss is our past love, when we were happy and carefree. Not the life we've had over the past several years. That hasn't really been fun, it's been difficult. I do love him dearly, for he's been my best friend and it hurts to lose a best friend. We're going to try and stay friends and that will be rocky too, but we may manage eventually to have a friendship that is just as meaningful as our marriage was.
Sad but true, I'm not Living With Dr. Jeckyll anymore and won't be ever again.