I awoke to a beautiful sunny day with the dog snuggled down next to me. An empty house, because Scumbag decided to move out. I'm actually glad he did, it was stressful and not good for me to have him here, but I couldn't ask him to leave for no reason. So we had another one of our middle of the night fights where he's being disrespectful, bringing people into my home and waking me up at 2:00am. So he states "I can't do this, I have to move out".
And this time I didn't try to stop him. At all.
He'll be coming to Thanksgiving dinner today and so will Jeckyll. A bunch of other folks coming too and I'm so disorganized this year and people did not RSVP, so I don't think I have enough chairs and I might not even have enough plates. We WILL have enough food. That's for certain.
So like I was saying I awoke to a beautiful sunny morning, took the dog for a walk, made coffee, sat down on the couch with the sun streaming in. Looked around the room and promptly burst into tears. All alone on Thanksgiving morning.
I struggle with this holiday most years, and I try different tactics for myself. I think what I'd like someday is to have a Thanksgiving with someone special who loves me who would be happy to simply hunker down on the couch and snuggle all day watching movies. To hell with the rest of the world and relatives and adopted family and friends.
I realize now Jeckyll and I never had that. I think I tried one year where I made Cornish game hens and we had Thanksgiving just us. If I remember correctly he eventually wandered off to his room to play video games and left me sitting in front of the TV drinking. This was before we even got married.
I don't really know why I'm crying today. Had a very emotional session with my therapist where I talked out all my fears, just one after the other heaping up on the plate like all the food we'll eat today. Projecting all my fears of the future, and she's trying so hard to keep me in the present while I'm bawling like a baby, practically unable to breathe with the tears just streaming down my face. I bottle it all up day to day and get into her office and it just explodes out of me.
The present just means today. There will be people here today that love me and I love them. There will be people here today who are acquaintances and had nowhere else to go. If I could scoop up all my favorites from all over the country I would, but I'll have to settle for the people who are physically close by.
For now I'm going to give thanks for a hot cup of coffee and a hot shower. If I need to cry more later, I'll just do that later.