I'm supposed to be journaling every day. My therapist wants me to be writing, I can't stand it. It makes me want to cry, a lot, when I start writing down my true feelings.
In short explanation, Jeckyll is going to find another place to live. We are going to disentangle our finances just enough so that I will be responsible for the house. He will give me a certain amount of money each month to pay the cell phone bill, part of the mortgage, and a few other incidentals. Then he will be responsible alone for his apartment, student loan, and everything else he needs. I will take care of everything here.
We don't know how long this will last. It could be a few months, it could be forever until we decide to actually go through the motions of divorce. His moving out is the only thing available right now for us emotionally. He is working through some things in therapy that are taking up all his brain space. He doesn't have room for me, doesn't have extra energy for a relationship, and feels the need to be alone.
I can respect that. It's been a very long time since he has stood on his own two feet without me interfering every part of the way.
We are tired of hurting each other. He sees the longing in my face, the desire to be loved and touched, and he cannot meet that need right now.
I realized while Scumbag was here exactly what I was missing. He showered me with affection for a week. Long lovely mushy hugs multiple times a day. Telling me he loved me and how much he missed me several times. Lot's of quality time together, his attention only on me and our conversations. By the end of the week I realized I was getting filled up with affection from Scumbag, and it felt wonderful, and I realized exactly how much that has dried up with Jeckyll. Actually dried up for a very long time. I was running on fumes with him, taking scraps of affection and making them last as long as I could. I have been living on crumbs.
I have never lived alone, my entire life. Mostly that has been circumstantial due to finances when I was younger. It was always cheaper to live with roommates. So I am trying to approach this with a sense of curiosity about myself. What will it feel like for me to live alone for a bit in this rambling old house? What will I do differently if I'm not meeting the needs of anyone but myself?
This separation is hopefully not the road to divorce, but it very well could be. Or it could make us appreciate each other in a different way. Or it could make us fight like cats and dogs and hate one another. It could cause jealousy and ugly suspicions. I might sleep an entire night without interruption. I might save some money and do a little more remodeling. If this separation goes on for a long time I might get a roommate to help both Jeckyll and I with finances.
My hope is still that we will find our way back to each other eventually, in a healthier way. I am taking one day at a time. Some days I cry all day. Some days I am at peace with the situation, knowing I cannot change it. Some days I am completely numb.
Today, right at this moment, I feel pretty good.